Man against God is a fight that could never be won. As an atheist for about fifteen (15) or so years I entered into such battle.
My exposure to theories in chemistry, biology, biochemistry, and other fields of science brought me a large heap of knowledge I thought, at least from my own perspective, to have been enough I could consider myself as another God. Yes, I was so arrogant to tell others there's no God at all. I joined casual argumentation standing in the side to prove the non-existence of a supreme being. What I believed was Darwin's theory of evolution. I was convinced matter is what everyone is made of. And I try to convince others from my family circle, friends, peers, and everybody of my stand based on the information I have. The worst thing, I gained disciples out of my ideas. My wife, who was born of a religious family was even carried by my principles and even ceased going to church and to pray. I laughed at religious people and consider their works a waste of time.Well, so many people say 'there is no real atheist' because they call God in times of desperation. I do call God several times in the past in blasphemous ways asking Him to prove His existence. Challenging Him to manifest His power if He is indeed true. Despite being atheist, however, I succumb to the requirements of the church where I was baptized. I was wed by a Catholic priests and my three children was baptized in a Catholic church as well. I allowed them as documents are important. I could even remember when my son (Enrico) who was in 3rd grade then, missed a scheduled "first communion" because he insisted he was not catholic. My attendance to church rites are purely ceremonial, no spiritual significance at all.
But life without a God is so chaotic, based on my experience. Since I carry everything as a God myself, I blame me for all the failures at home, at work, and every aspect of life. In times of problems, I quarrel violently with my spouse. I spank my kids. I was a chain smoker, a gambler, and a drunkard, if I may consider drinking almost daily after work as drunkenness. The saddest experience I had was when I lost respect with my parents because of the principles that they are just biological materials who carried me in this world. What a stupid idea then. Because of that it didn't matter to me hurting then both emotionally and physically. (God forgive me for I didn't know what I'd done!).
The fight with God did not end there. As an atheist looking to convince other people I collected materials to disprove the the presence of Jesus Christ. I have materials that questioned the authenticity of the Scriptures. I have learned principles to prove and explain scientifically every events in the Bible considered as Divinely assisted, like the acts of Moses in Egypt and in the wilderness. I have my own version of the events in the New Testament. Versions that prove God was not working as those things unfolded. Meaning, everything happened without God. And I wrote many things in line with my anti-Christ principles.
As years progressed, I tried to assess myself how far I had been in my fight with God. I haven't gained an edge. For fifteen years despite having a good paying job, a very supportive, industrious, and caring wife I ended up with nothing to boast. No house, no money, bad relationship with my parents, a not so good relations with my children, and I have less friends and community circle.
Although, I have no major financial problems yet I felt there is something I longed I could not understand what. I was feeling there was an empty space in me. But I could not accept I was experiencing a Spiritual vacuum within me. Never did I thought of submitting myself to a non existent God.
But God works in mysterious ways. He does not work in conventional ways. I was converted in a very humiliating manner and I was convinced my fight with Him could never be won. He used a very influential instrument and I will share to you the story in my next post.
PS: Thank you, by the way, to those who follwed my blog and this story. God bless you!